Life Under Surveillance Abroad

occasionally the human enjoys a glass of wine

this one claims to be a Rothschild wine and we don’t know if that’s actually true nor are we sure exactly why there seems to be an Ukrainian flag on the foil, but it is $12 in the USA and for that price it is quite good

anyhow, the wine we are discussing is not the wine above

Wine is an interesting thing, as an attack vector against someone you don’t like.

This is because the contents of wine aren’t really regulated.

I mean, back in the ’80s there was a court case about the legality of adding automotive anti-freeze to wines to give the impression of age, but basically, for any sort of real regulation to happen someone probably has to die first

so awhile back, the human moved to a new part of a major city in a former Soviet Union country, started shopping at a new grocery store and found a good, dry white wine from Georgia (country, not US state) that was about $6.50 a bottle that he would periodically buy

The human moved for his own safety and has been under surveillance for a long time because his grandparents were important people plus he formerly had an important job and he speaks several languages which makes the proletarian CIA & NSA very uncomfortable

One day, he bought a new bottle, took a swig, noticed it tasted different from what he was accustomed to, spit it out immediately, and began to examine it.

old (good) bottle on the left, new one on the right

real one has darker ink, multicolored & shinier hologram strip, different fonts, etc.

here’s the label from the real bottle

and here’s the label from the fake bottle

But the real difference is in the contents. The good bottle on the left is a delicious, dry white with low content of sulfites and other preservatives and impurities.

The one on the right is sweeter and has enough histamine-reaction-inducing sulfites and other impurities to put a horse out for a week.

No joke. The human drank literally just one mouthful as a test and within an hour was unable to breathe out of his nose for an entire day and was practically injecting himself with double espressos just to stay awake.

I mean, if your favorite grocery store wine costs $6.50 and someone’s faking the label, you’re obviously being targeted.

SO HE REPORTED THE STORE TO THE COUNTRY’S SECURITY SERVICES.

now, why is this important?

Inflammation, as it happens in response to allergens – increases the permeability of the blood-brain barrier. So, in addition to making you lethargic, a strong allergic reaction will also increase absorption of whatever other chemicals happen to be in wine (in addition to the alcohol) into your brain.

On one hand, hey! Great! You get drunk faster and cheaper!

on the other hand, hmm…what else is in there?

and in this case, the answer to that question appears to be, “poison”.

A Writing Exercise

time to put the Vermeer out on display

We generally try not to write about people who are still alive. Their deeds and achievements should stand for who they are, unmolested by the subjectivity of a peanut gallery, canine/human/otherwise.

 nevertheless, if one does need to write about a living person, we recommend what we like to call “the wood chipper test”.

Imagine an outdoor barbeque, southern-USA style, in the middle of nowhere, late afternoon.  You’re in a small, peaceful clearing surrounded by big, old-growth maple and fir trees. The only sounds, aside from what you yourselves produce, are the wind working its way through the full, green, late-summer leaves of those trees, and noise from a distant country road. There’s a full spread of food and booze, intended for you, a squadron of bodyguards, and your subject. Not far away, in a field, awaits a brand-new, well-oiled, top-of-the-line Vermeer wood chipper.

today, you are God. you can do whatever you like with your subject. barbecue & fascinating conversation that becomes a lifelong best memory? check. revolting gay (or not) gangbang orgy at gunpoint? check. drunken Civil War reenactment? check.  origami-making session with paper napkins? check…i guess.

“but what if things go badly, or if I decide I really don’t like this person”, you ask?

Well, that’s why the wood chipper’s there.

see, the wood chipper execution is an highly nuanced piece of business.

it can be a nearly painless mercy killing (head-first) or it can be an absolutely horrific, incredibly violent mess of an experience (feet-first) as all parties watch an human being be gradually consumed and recycled by a simple piece of gasoline-powered machinery into its constituent parts of blood, flesh, and bone.

 But the additional complexity of this scenario is that the wood chipper execution is the only way out of the scenario for both you and your subject if things go badly, even if you decide he or she only deserves a good beating on the basis of your own worldview.

that’s the thing: there are literally hundreds of thousands if not millions of people who, given the chance, would sit down with Adolf Hitler, say “you know what, I totally get you! you only deserve life in prison on a technicality but since that’s not an option, I’ll just punch you in the face” three hours later, and let him go.

THIS IS WHY WE HAVE THE WOOD CHIPPER.

just ask the Jews, they’ll be happy to remind you.

See, Adolf isn’t a nice guy. You know that already. If you let him go, he goes to the police and you go to jail for a long time. So either Mr Vermeer gets a nice long lunch or you’re in for a serious lifestyle change.

Which is it?

“well, now that you put it that way, I guess…”

 Really? Are you going to help the bodyguards?

“well, I…isn’t that why they’re there?”

Actually, no. They’re there to protect you. If you ask, they’ll help you – but the decision is yours.

“shit…I…Adolf’s such a nice guy, I mean, you could practically imagine him as a Jew, couldn’t you?”

Yeah, that’s the problem: he’s a psychopath regardless of ethnicity, but the distinction doesn’t really matter to you, does it.

 “why are you being so critical? this is a hard decision! don’t you thin..”

No. I’m not here to advise you; I’m simply providing an exposition. There’s no doubt it’s pretty hard to feed a human being into a wood chipper in a literal sense, yet the metaphorical equivalent happens every day with the consent of allegedly educated people as long as there’s at least one degree of separation involved.

“well I went to the LSE, and in my global econo…”

Look. You have an option here. This is the first day of the best part of your life. You can literally unceremoniously throw the dickhead into the wood chipper without any real-world repercussions.  So do you want to?

this, in essence, is the subject matter of every Hague war trial and every corporate malfeasance inquest and every congressional ethics probe, and unless the person in question is very rich by birth, the answer is inevitably “well, yeah, I guess so, I mean, who really gives a shit.”

 Don’t get drawn into an ethical dilemma here: the world circa 1933 and later is better off with Adolf as atomized flesh in all cases – and this is what “the wood chipper test” is all about.

 you are the writer. it is less important that Adolf’s corporeal mass is promptly scheduled to meet a wall of sharp, geared, gasoline-driven teeth, and more important that those teeth are totally indifferent to whichever end of Adolf comes first.

Nevertheless, those teeth are inanimate; you are not.

Which end of Adolf goes first?

this, truly, is the most human part of the question. Adolf is important only to the extent that you feel it appropriate to offer him mercy: once you’ve already decided on the execution, whether Adolf experiences just 0.5 or 55 seconds of excruciating pain is most likely immaterial to you – and everyone else, actually.

The important part is you. What questions do you want to ask? How much of the process do you truly want to witness? Do you want to distribute the video? And if so, how and with what goals and strategy? How does that affect your choice of cinematography?

These questions confront both ISIS and BCG every month or so – but they have been asked for centuries. Neither cares what the answers are anymore. Nor should you. All that matters is that you asked the questions, and from asking them, you gain greater insight into what you should write. Nevertheless – the dickhead goes into the wood chipper.

REPEAT AFTER ME:

The dickhead goes into the wood chipper.

The dickhead goes into the wood chipper.

The dickhead goes into the wood chipper.

The dickhead goes into the wood chipper.

The dickhead goes into the wood chipper.

THE DICKHEAD GOES INTO THE WOOD CHIPPER.

THE DICKHEAD GOES INTO THE WOOD CHIPPER.

The Unified Theory Of Edward Snowden

we don’t take Edward Snowden very seriously

because he’s either a complete idiot or a CIA provocation

the human delineates possible scenarios along two lines: House Snowden and Field Snowden

“why are you using this terminology? it’s offensive!” kill yourself. Snowden’s a high school graduate and just a computer tech – not a high value or smart guy. he made a six figure salary due to the insanity of US Government largesse under an administration that was purposely bankrupting itself just to see if it could and stupidly gave up a great life he’d never have anywhere else.

the House Snowden possibilities are as follows:

  • CIA provocation 1: Snowden’s defection is done with his full collaboration from the beginning as a provocation for political purposes as different US government agencies attempt to rival each other for power and influence – in this case, perhaps to weaken the NSA. This is reasonably possible: all of the Bush administrations were seriously heavy on CIA influence, while Obama was a big NSA proponent (and had to be to keep the CIA under control)
  • OR: Snowden, having possibly run into some trouble due to political beliefs/leanings, defected due to fears in re: personal safety and weaved a post-hoc narrative in which he publicly gave up a bunch of mostly worthless information (most of which the human knew about already having simply grown up in a town that formerly housed a research facility for a major US tech firm) and used it to brand himself as some sort of freedom fighter, which he has more or less done successfully so far.

and now we come to Field Snowden:

  • CIA provocation 2: Snowden is the ultimate enterprise software salesman’s demo presentation. Having been gradually radicalized to extremist libertarian beliefs via poor education and resulting inability to meaningfully critique propagandistic content, he has surrounded himself with people who are demographically similar, hold simple worldviews, and only reflect his rigid and uninformed convictions about society. Much like Muslims who Western social media radicalizes in order to stoke the multiplier-based American economic demand model via terrorism, Snowden became radicalized as the result of a psy-ops experiment (much as many Muslim terrorists have) and only boarded a flight to Hong Kong instead of strapping on an explosive vest and boarding the NYC subway due to the ingrained expectations of white, suburban American corporate/government culture. His defection and revelations are worthless and the CIA intended for this to be the case from the beginning as a warning to the world of what they are capable of.

anyway, there he was, sitting in the HK airport

CHINA: “uh, we don’t want this guy. we’re good at this whole totalitarianism bit already, no need for another low-IQ white guy unless he has lighter eyes, sorry”

RUSSIA: “well we could take him. let him sit and stew in Sheremetyevo for a month or so, you know the drill, lace his meals at McDonalds and Sbarro with the laxatives we put in the beer at all the tourist places in Moscow to fuck with the foreigners, give him a media circus with some guy who wants to make a name for himself as a one-shot human rights lawyer then give him a government apartment in Podmoskovie and a data entry job at VKontakte or something, maybe a lifetime free pass on Aeroflot for the stripper too. then we can sit back and laugh when no one in America even listens to him.”

HK: “yeah, sounds good to us, I’d hate to do the same in the airport here, the bathroom custodian’s too nice a guy. thanks again.”

Throwback Thursday: Padolf Pupler Explains Est

as a pup I had a Hitler moustache

hope that’s cool

Today, we take a break from tech stuff and discuss some of the weird shit the CIA does to influence the direction of American society

one of the really weird things the CIA did in the late ’70s through the end of the Cold War was to heavily promote an organization called Est

as usual, I won’t point fingers at contemporary organizations, but I will be descriptive enough for you to make your own evaluation

fake KGB agent on TV: “est made me feel so much better”

the human: *projectile-vomits contents of entire stomach on TV set while laughing hysterically*

 In the late 1970s, the CIA had a big problem on their hands. The biggest generation in American history – the Baby Boomers – had come of age, and were gaining power, money, and political influence.

they were also pretty left wing, comparatively speaking: unlike the generation that fought the Korean War, this generation had a serious problem with foreign wars like the one in Vietnam, and didn’t seem overly bothered by socialism

naturally this had to be fixed. oh man, i feel a booze binge coming on

c’mon, knock one back with me here

 War and its associated accoutrements make up a huge part of the US economy; keeping that ball rolling was a pretty big deal – for both sides of the  Cold War

but it’s pretty hard to get people to actively disagree with the notion that killing people is a bad idea, so the way you keep the military-industrial ball in play is to direct attention elsewhere

this was pretty easy to do to the Boomers

CIA agent 1: so what in the hell do we do with these leftist nutjobs
CIA agent 2: i have no fucking clue
CIA agent 1: yeah but we have to do something. what the fuck do i tell the director if this stuff keeps up
CIA agent 2: well I know a guy from college who works for an ad agency on Madison Avenue now, he’s pretty good at this stuff
CIA agent 1: ok cool. give him a call then
CIA agent 2 *on telephone* “hey brad, this is mike, we haven’t spoken in like eight years but I’m, you know, trying to keep the peasants from revolting and stuff so we don’t slide into an economic depression. any thoughts?
ad guy: well you could always try exploiting narcissism, fuck, that’s all we really do all day
CIA agent 2: tell me more
ad guy: well I personally recommend finding ways to make people think they’re delving deep into their souls and finding that they’re really a Ford guy, or a Gilette guy, or an Avon girl, or…or…or whatever
ad guy: i mean, this is america, there’s generally not much there, but you gotta give them something to find, because if they dig deep and all they find is a giant pile of dead Vietnamese farmers who never gave a fuck about politics at all that’s pretty fucking depressing, you know?
CIA agent 2: yeah ok tell me more
ad guy: so the other day I saw a flyer for this talk by some german guy. i don’t remember his name but it was all about finding who you were inside, escaping your hangups and stuff. i mean, he’s german, there’s practically a porn shop on every corner there, it’s no wonder they’re so open
ad guy: it seemed a lot like the stuff we try to do to get people to make brands a part of their life, except…oh wait, here it is, it’s Warner Erhart
CIA agent 2: ok great but what exactly does this mean for us
ad guy: well you could give him some money, start scheduling talks, if it goes well, expand it using members, you know, kind of like an Amway for motivational speaking, get people to think about themselves and their identities instead of about politics, give them levels and badges kind of like boy scouts, maybe even pay them as if it were a real job or something
CIA agent 2: huh. well i can cut you a check right now for a million bucks is that cool
ad guy: yeah sure I guess, we’ll get on it
CIA agent 2: great. what are you going to call it?
ad guy: i dunno…wait. so I went out to lunch at this jewish deli around the corner yesterday. the owner’s from Russia, Odessa I think, and he screams at people a lot to eat their food, i mean, famines apparently do that to you and I was asking him about it. so the verb for eating in Russian is “est” and it also means “to have” like “I have a car” and stuff. let’s call it est, that should be a funny way for you to kick some dust in the Russkies’ faces
CIA agent 2: uh yeah that sounds great. run with it
CIA agent 2: so I gave my guy a million dollars what do you think is that too much
CIA agent 1: give him two