This Is What Incompetent Spy Work Looks Like

far from Daniel Craig’s James Bond, the typical position of a Western intelligence agent today appears to be jonesing from an ephedrine shot, huddled in fear behind the wheel of a just-crashed rental Kia, in a color-matching shirt to the vehicle he failed to take out, no less

to be fair, were I trying to take out a 4200lb iron-frame, iron-block Jaguar with a rented Kia head-on, I’d need an ephedrine shot too

our subject was kind (well, maybe just trained) enough to throw out his paraphenalia upon impact with another random car immediately ahead. click it:

bitch, n. “well, I mean it like the way black people use it, which is more meaningful, I think.” – Derek Zoolander

Interlude: On The Peasants

note: this is a movie clip. please do not use the n-word in real life. it is used here to engage with readers in a dialogue about the peasants, and in our discussions of the peasants, we refer only to phenotype (and the aspects of personality and intellect that unfortunately seem to remain associated with it, except in the case of people from Romania, who all seem to be mildly retarded.)

phenotype is for the most part independent of skin pigmentation, which is mostly disassociated with a great many other genetic factors. there is so much new, dumb, embarrassing money all over the world now that being superficially racist in any way makes zero sense.

Zen and the Art of Jaguar Maintenance

the amateurs ride motorcyclesmeet Ivanka the ’97 Jaguar VDP

People tend to think that British cars are unreliable. This is not true. Some are garbage; Jaguars are not. In fact, they may be the best luxury car you can buy.

see, Britain has a bizarre phenomenon – due to demographic factors dating back as far as the 17th century – of a very large class of low-level nobility, now ‘middle class’ (who would be defined as upper middle class by American standards) who, due to greater geographic isolation, tended to die less often in wars and revolutions than their Continental counterparts.

so there were a lot of them, and they didn’t want to ride around in the same cars as the peasants, and Sir William Lyons, founder of Jaguar, became very skilled at exploiting this fact at scale.

If you bought a Jaguar, you got a car that was in most cases more carefully engineered and built than a Mercedes or BMW or Cadillac, with nicer design and materials and a nearly unstoppable drivetrain – for a comparable or lower price.

“but why do they break down so often?”

Ask yourself: have you ever seen a broken-down Jaguar on the side of the road? I bet you haven’t, and this is where it gets a bit unusual. (Well, to American sensibilities, anyway.)

LET ME CLARIFY THIS FOR YOU. CARS THAT ARE INHERENTLY UNRELIABLE, ARE UNRELIABLE EVERYWHERE. THEY BREAK DOWN AT RANDOM TIMES WHILE YOU ARE DRIVING THEM.

Jaguars do not.

 (well, at least not until 1998, when the Ford buyout and associated engineering downgrades started working their way through the whole product line. for the purposes of this blog, “Jaguar” means pre-1998 Jaguar.)

So when your Jaguar breaks, asking why is a good idea.It means one of three things is happening:

  1. you bought your car used, but someone at Jaguar has decided that you are not worthy of being a classic Jaguar driver or your car is not worthy of being a classic Jaguar (this happens, and did to the human’s other, salvage-titled beater Jag, before he bought it: there was literally a connector wired onto the cooling fan under the lower front bumper lip used to completely drain the battery at any time with the help of a piece of copper wire or even just a large construction staple. so he cut it off, and the battery miraculously began to NEVER spontaneously drain itself overnight EVER AGAIN.)
  2. someone else is fucking with you and has sabotaged your car (an edge case, but it happened to Ivanka)
  3. some ancient part has finally ‘given up the ghost’ (because if you own a pre-1998 Jag, any premature failures will have happened already.)

“but what about all of that nasty wiring everywhere?”

well, it’s all color-coded, so…

“but why don’t they at least put it in a wiring harness?”

see #1. “shit, another electrical fire.” get it?

If you’re curious, here’s what #2 looks like – a business-related attempt on the human’s life carried out by the American FBI in exchange for…well…money, that through careful listening and driving, was averted:

morning of, the human got in the car and noticed that his seat was in a slightly different position and that an additional six miles were on the odometer. then he reached highway speed and the throttle STAYED OPEN.

driving through a winding road in the mountains in winter with no shoulder. there is oncoming traffic, the throttle is already stuck open and you can only change the vehicle’s speed with the transmission. there’s a loud clunk from the front driver’s wheel, and then it starts wobbling on its axis from side to side until about 70km/h. horrible grinding sound when turning & braking as metal-on-metal literally eats away at the brake disc, the inside of the brake caliper and the wheel.

if you slow down, the wobbling gets worse and puts more stress on the axle, meaning that the wheel falls off sooner and you go flying through the guard rail and off the side of a mountain.

If you speed up, the wobbling stops but the steering is barely functional: you perhaps have a few more miles at best before the wheel comes flying off. What do you do?

the human sped up. here’s what the saboteurs did:

Reverse Engineering the Steve Jobs Biographies: Part 4

i think i forgot something


yeah. right. death.

“why are you writing about Steve Jobs? he was so early 2010s, the world, and by the world we mean America, has moved on, why are you rehashing the past?”

because the real story of Steve Jobs provides a model for what a lot of American entrepreneurs who generate unique intellectual property experience, including the human, who is pretty pissed off about it

specifically, the model is as follows:

  1. generate unique intellectual property, or even just possess the unique combination of knowledge and skills to generate it within a certain domain
  2. refuse CIA-generated ‘serendipity’: incredible, improbable introductions to investors somehow based in the middle of bumfuck nowhere and introductions to other random people who want you to couple up with a potential cofounder who works at a major corporation but doesn’t seem to actually do or know much about the subject at hand aside from tangential interests
  3. find yourself somehow totally unable to generate any source of income aside from miserable, demeaning service jobs despite being extremely well educated, competent, and highly productive

guess what, it’s flowchart time

have you:

a) surrendered 50%+ of your intellectual property to attorneys, cofounders, investors yet? if yes, celebrate: assuming you built something more potentially societally influential than a stupid consumer-facing platform app, you just may be allowed to become the next Aaron Swartz, founder of Reddit, who “committed suicide”!

or have you:

b) refused to engage in a valueless exchange and, instead, done things like sending major VCs cans of dog food when they try to troll you into paying to enter pitch competitions or repeatedly applying to accelerators (psychological technique to generate commitment & impressions of exclusivity) and just openly, publicly mocked tech billionaires who are actually welfare queen losers in private life?

i sent paul graham of y combinator a little giftso paul got someone at the other startup the human was working for to try to feed me a bag of silica gel. true story. paul’s a giant loser.

(but I don’t eat silica gel, so paul decided then to take his inappropriate, childish anger out on the human by making Checkr – paul’s background check company – report and/or upgrade a bunch of traffic tickets on the human’s record most of which never actually happened.)

man, that’s not really a flowchart, is it. shit.

 perhaps when the first box of a flowchart ends with “most probably kill yourself” you don’t really need a flowchart

But this part of the Steve Jobs series isn’t about his death.

we won’t discuss how easy it is to induce certain cancers and other diseases that can lead to cancers, or who might have had an incentive to do that, nor will we discuss the many perfectly good strategic reasons a CEO might have to consider faking his own death. talk is cheap, and if we had some sort of unique or useful verifiable insight to add in regards the circumstances of Steve’s death, we’d have done it already.

sorry, folks, tupac haaaaas…left the building!

The takeaway here is that the USA’s security services are actively destroying the lives of nice, smart people who just occasionally feel the desire to spontaneously build things for humanity. It is sad and pathetic and the FBI/CIA/NSA are a bunch of degenerate peasants leading the country they exist to serve and protect off a cliff.

Eventually, we also will explain why this is.

Life Under Surveillance Abroad

occasionally the human enjoys a glass of wine

this one claims to be a Rothschild wine and we don’t know if that’s actually true nor are we sure exactly why there seems to be an Ukrainian flag on the foil, but it is $12 in the USA and for that price it is quite good

anyhow, the wine we are discussing is not the wine above

Wine is an interesting thing, as an attack vector against someone you don’t like.

This is because the contents of wine aren’t really regulated.

I mean, back in the ’80s there was a court case about the legality of adding automotive anti-freeze to wines to give the impression of age, but basically, for any sort of real regulation to happen someone probably has to die first

so awhile back, the human moved to a new part of a major city in a former Soviet Union country, started shopping at a new grocery store and found a good, dry white wine from Georgia (country, not US state) that was about $6.50 a bottle that he would periodically buy

The human moved for his own safety and has been under surveillance for a long time because his grandparents were important people plus he formerly had an important job and he speaks several languages which makes the proletarian CIA & NSA very uncomfortable

One day, he bought a new bottle, took a swig, noticed it tasted different from what he was accustomed to, spit it out immediately, and began to examine it.

old (good) bottle on the left, new one on the right

real one has darker ink, multicolored & shinier hologram strip, different fonts, etc.

here’s the label from the real bottle

and here’s the label from the fake bottle

But the real difference is in the contents. The good bottle on the left is a delicious, dry white with low content of sulfites and other preservatives and impurities.

The one on the right is sweeter and has enough histamine-reaction-inducing sulfites and other impurities to put a horse out for a week.

No joke. The human drank literally just one mouthful as a test and within an hour was unable to breathe out of his nose for an entire day and was practically injecting himself with double espressos just to stay awake.

I mean, if your favorite grocery store wine costs $6.50 and someone’s faking the label, you’re obviously being targeted.

SO HE REPORTED THE STORE TO THE COUNTRY’S SECURITY SERVICES.

now, why is this important?

Inflammation, as it happens in response to allergens – increases the permeability of the blood-brain barrier. So, in addition to making you lethargic, a strong allergic reaction will also increase absorption of whatever other chemicals happen to be in wine (in addition to the alcohol) into your brain.

On one hand, hey! Great! You get drunk faster and cheaper!

on the other hand, hmm…what else is in there?

and in this case, the answer to that question appears to be, “poison”.

A Writing Exercise

time to put the Vermeer out on display

We generally try not to write about people who are still alive. Their deeds and achievements should stand for who they are, unmolested by the subjectivity of a peanut gallery, canine/human/otherwise.

 nevertheless, if one does need to write about a living person, we recommend what we like to call “the wood chipper test”.

Imagine an outdoor barbeque, southern-USA style, in the middle of nowhere, late afternoon.  You’re in a small, peaceful clearing surrounded by big, old-growth maple and fir trees. The only sounds, aside from what you yourselves produce, are the wind working its way through the full, green, late-summer leaves of those trees, and noise from a distant country road. There’s a full spread of food and booze, intended for you, a squadron of bodyguards, and your subject. Not far away, in a field, awaits a brand-new, well-oiled, top-of-the-line Vermeer wood chipper.

today, you are God. you can do whatever you like with your subject. barbecue & fascinating conversation that becomes a lifelong best memory? check. revolting gay (or not) gangbang orgy at gunpoint? check. drunken Civil War reenactment? check.  origami-making session with paper napkins? check…i guess.

“but what if things go badly, or if I decide I really don’t like this person”, you ask?

Well, that’s why the wood chipper’s there.

see, the wood chipper execution is an highly nuanced piece of business.

it can be a nearly painless mercy killing (head-first) or it can be an absolutely horrific, incredibly violent mess of an experience (feet-first) as all parties watch an human being be gradually consumed and recycled by a simple piece of gasoline-powered machinery into its constituent parts of blood, flesh, and bone.

 But the additional complexity of this scenario is that the wood chipper execution is the only way out of the scenario for both you and your subject if things go badly, even if you decide he or she only deserves a good beating on the basis of your own worldview.

that’s the thing: there are literally hundreds of thousands if not millions of people who, given the chance, would sit down with Adolf Hitler, say “you know what, I totally get you! you only deserve life in prison on a technicality but since that’s not an option, I’ll just punch you in the face” three hours later, and let him go.

THIS IS WHY WE HAVE THE WOOD CHIPPER.

just ask the Jews, they’ll be happy to remind you.

See, Adolf isn’t a nice guy. You know that already. If you let him go, he goes to the police and you go to jail for a long time. So either Mr Vermeer gets a nice long lunch or you’re in for a serious lifestyle change.

Which is it?

“well, now that you put it that way, I guess…”

 Really? Are you going to help the bodyguards?

“well, I…isn’t that why they’re there?”

Actually, no. They’re there to protect you. If you ask, they’ll help you – but the decision is yours.

“shit…I…Adolf’s such a nice guy, I mean, you could practically imagine him as a Jew, couldn’t you?”

Yeah, that’s the problem: he’s a psychopath regardless of ethnicity, but the distinction doesn’t really matter to you, does it.

 “why are you being so critical? this is a hard decision! don’t you thin..”

No. I’m not here to advise you; I’m simply providing an exposition. There’s no doubt it’s pretty hard to feed a human being into a wood chipper in a literal sense, yet the metaphorical equivalent happens every day with the consent of allegedly educated people as long as there’s at least one degree of separation involved.

“well I went to the LSE, and in my global econo…”

Look. You have an option here. This is the first day of the best part of your life. You can literally unceremoniously throw the dickhead into the wood chipper without any real-world repercussions.  So do you want to?

this, in essence, is the subject matter of every Hague war trial and every corporate malfeasance inquest and every congressional ethics probe, and unless the person in question is very rich by birth, the answer is inevitably “well, yeah, I guess so, I mean, who really gives a shit.”

 Don’t get drawn into an ethical dilemma here: the world circa 1933 and later is better off with Adolf as atomized flesh in all cases – and this is what “the wood chipper test” is all about.

 you are the writer. it is less important that Adolf’s corporeal mass is promptly scheduled to meet a wall of sharp, geared, gasoline-driven teeth, and more important that those teeth are totally indifferent to whichever end of Adolf comes first.

Nevertheless, those teeth are inanimate; you are not.

Which end of Adolf goes first?

this, truly, is the most human part of the question. Adolf is important only to the extent that you feel it appropriate to offer him mercy: once you’ve already decided on the execution, whether Adolf experiences just 0.5 or 55 seconds of excruciating pain is most likely immaterial to you – and everyone else, actually.

The important part is you. What questions do you want to ask? How much of the process do you truly want to witness? Do you want to distribute the video? And if so, how and with what goals and strategy? How does that affect your choice of cinematography?

These questions confront both ISIS and BCG every month or so – but they have been asked for centuries. Neither cares what the answers are anymore. Nor should you. All that matters is that you asked the questions, and from asking them, you gain greater insight into what you should write. Nevertheless – the dickhead goes into the wood chipper.

REPEAT AFTER ME:

The dickhead goes into the wood chipper.

The dickhead goes into the wood chipper.

The dickhead goes into the wood chipper.

The dickhead goes into the wood chipper.

The dickhead goes into the wood chipper.

THE DICKHEAD GOES INTO THE WOOD CHIPPER.

THE DICKHEAD GOES INTO THE WOOD CHIPPER.

The Unified Theory Of Edward Snowden

we don’t take Edward Snowden very seriously

because he’s either a complete idiot or a CIA provocation

the human delineates possible scenarios along two lines: House Snowden and Field Snowden

“why are you using this terminology? it’s offensive!” kill yourself. Snowden’s a high school graduate and just a computer tech – not a high value or smart guy. he made a six figure salary due to the insanity of US Government largesse under an administration that was purposely bankrupting itself just to see if it could and stupidly gave up a great life he’d never have anywhere else.

the House Snowden possibilities are as follows:

  • CIA provocation 1: Snowden’s defection is done with his full collaboration from the beginning as a provocation for political purposes as different US government agencies attempt to rival each other for power and influence – in this case, perhaps to weaken the NSA. This is reasonably possible: all of the Bush administrations were seriously heavy on CIA influence, while Obama was a big NSA proponent (and had to be to keep the CIA under control)
  • OR: Snowden, having possibly run into some trouble due to political beliefs/leanings, defected due to fears in re: personal safety and weaved a post-hoc narrative in which he publicly gave up a bunch of mostly worthless information (most of which the human knew about already having simply grown up in a town that formerly housed a research facility for a major US tech firm) and used it to brand himself as some sort of freedom fighter, which he has more or less done successfully so far.

and now we come to Field Snowden:

  • CIA provocation 2: Snowden is the ultimate enterprise software salesman’s demo presentation. Having been gradually radicalized to extremist libertarian beliefs via poor education and resulting inability to meaningfully critique propagandistic content, he has surrounded himself with people who are demographically similar, hold simple worldviews, and only reflect his rigid and uninformed convictions about society. Much like Muslims who Western social media radicalizes in order to stoke the multiplier-based American economic demand model via terrorism, Snowden became radicalized as the result of a psy-ops experiment (much as many Muslim terrorists have) and only boarded a flight to Hong Kong instead of strapping on an explosive vest and boarding the NYC subway due to the ingrained expectations of white, suburban American corporate/government culture. His defection and revelations are worthless and the CIA intended for this to be the case from the beginning as a warning to the world of what they are capable of.

anyway, there he was, sitting in the HK airport

CHINA: “uh, we don’t want this guy. we’re good at this whole totalitarianism bit already, no need for another low-IQ white guy unless he has lighter eyes, sorry”

RUSSIA: “well we could take him. let him sit and stew in Sheremetyevo for a month or so, you know the drill, lace his meals at McDonalds and Sbarro with the laxatives we put in the beer at all the tourist places in Moscow to fuck with the foreigners, give him a media circus with some guy who wants to make a name for himself as a one-shot human rights lawyer then give him a government apartment in Podmoskovie and a data entry job at VKontakte or something, maybe a lifetime free pass on Aeroflot for the stripper too. then we can sit back and laugh when no one in America even listens to him.”

HK: “yeah, sounds good to us, I’d hate to do the same in the airport here, the bathroom custodian’s too nice a guy. thanks again.”